Recap

I am a goal-oriented person. By that, I mean I score them. Nothing compares to watching the soccer ball hit the back of the net. It’s why I am a forward, it’s what I’ve spent hours upon hours training to do, whether I put it there myself or get it to a teammate who can. I contributed a few goals while playing for Uni last spring, resulting in one or two satisfying wins, and this fall I had hoped for a repeat performance clad in Illinois FC orange.

From the beginning of this season—my first time playing with a traveling club—it was clear that was not the case. My coach couldn’t believe it when I told him my typical position. In fact, our first conversation on the topic, after only our second practice, went something like this:

Coach: What position do you normally play?

Me: Forward or outside mid.

Coach: Outside mid?!

Needless to say, he believed my natural talents were being “wasted” at the position I had played for years. A couple of weeks later we scrimmaged against an older girls’ team and he started me at center back—the last line of defense before the goalkeeper, the pivoting point of the back line, the complete opposite of what I normally play. I wrote elsewhere that “telling me to play center back is like telling a trumpeter to play the tuba,” and it still holds true. In that practice game I was practically tripping over myself trying to keep up with each play, relying on raw speed to cover up for my mistakes.

It’s taken almost a month to finally settle into my new place on the field. I still make mistakes. I still have to outsprint oncoming forwards when they slip past myself or one of my teammates. I still catch myself reviewing each of my actions after the event: “Should I have been talking more?” “Why didn’t I tackle there?” “I can’t believe I didn’t step to that ball.”

But it’s easier. My coach is gleeful that he has a center back who will run into space and take shots in the front lines but still return to her rightful place. I’ve developed a fondness for the position myself, comforted by the knowledge that I have a well-defined spot to recover to every time. It will never stop being a challenge, but I feel less lost than I did at the beginning of the season. For this team, this is where I belong.

Versus

Going to a school like Uni can wreak havoc on my perfectionist side. Every day, I’m surrounded by scores of people who all seem to be able to juggle all of their interests, activities, and passions, and top it all off with decent grades and a social life. I suppose that in some ways I do the same without realizing it, but it honestly feels like I never devote enough time to one thing or another. I feel unfinished, always thrown back on my heels.

If you ask any of my friends what my one true passion is, you’d probably get one of two answers: either “soccer” or “science.” To some people that may make me sound like your average well-rounded student, but the truth is that those two sides of myself are at near-constant war with each other. One day I’ll rearrange my homework schedule around soccer practice and the next I’ll stay home to read astronomy books rather than venture outside. Neither passion feels like I’ve allowed it to begin developing fully.

I think that the real battle is being fought between my realistic side and my passionate side. I’m decent enough at math that I could try to go into physics or another field for a later career, and I do love learning and experimenting with the sciences. On the other hand, I’ve always said that if I had the time to train for a professional soccer career, if I could be paid to play the sport that I love, then I would. As important as academic subjects are to me, the idea of leaving competitive play forever after high school is almost unthinkable.

So what do I focus my attentions on now, in this very moment? The realistic future of the scientist or the relentless dream of the athlete? That’s something I have yet to fully figure out. I know that I don’t have an imminent career in soccer—so do I let myself try to excel now while I can? Or do I look firmly to the future and work towards an education and later a job in a field that I love?

I guess these are the questions on every high schooler’s mind as we hurtle towards senior year, or college applications, or whatever the next hurdle to clear may be.

Good luck to us all.